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January 17 Rant in a sort of quote form!And she often wonders if her little jokes of being alone forever are going to become reality....
He broke her...stamped on her heart. He will never understand that. Yet she would forgive him, talk to him like an old friend, just so she knows he is ok.
Even now...when she thought she was happy with herself and everything she had achieved, it only takes one insult from him to destroy her completly and it takes a long time for her to get back...
He asked if she was ok and what she wanted to say was "You destroy me, leave me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, don't talk to me for two whole years as if i never existed, let me cry myself to sleep, because the only guy I cared for was you and you had cheated on me for a whole year and called me crazy when i started to have suspisions, so no i am not ok. Not ok with the fact that I have forgot you and then you come back!" But what she really said was "long time no speak I am boss how are you?" because she still clings to the fact that maybe he really did care. Silly right?
Talking to him again, made her think of the person she used to be. The one who would do anything to hold him, kiss him, speak to him, just see him. She realised she had come along way in 2 years. Now she just wanted to know he was ok and for him to know that she was living without him.
What did he see when he looked at her photo's? Did he see someone who he was glad to have got rid of or did he realise he had made a big mistake?
The barriers I built, I built because he hurt me. No-one can get close to me now, because I either get scared and run or I hurt them like he hurt me. Funny how when he comes back into my life, the barriers don't scream "Leave me alone" they feel like they lift.
Don't get me wrong, I hate him. I hate everything about him. The way he looks, what he does, how he speaks, how he walks, how he thinks he is better than me. I hate him. The pain, the tears and the arguments I went through, just for nothing, but more pain, tears and arguments. But is it so wrong that I still care? Not love, not even like, but just care.
If I could have anything just for a day it would be the ability to see what other people are thinking. I would like to know who my real friends are, who the bitches are, who the backstabbers are, but most importantly the ones who say they love me, just to see if they really mean it. Imagine having that power. Imagine, how much pain could be avoided.
January 05 Hurt...yeah you did hurt me.If you can imagine it, you can create it. If you can dream it, you can become it.
&& here she goes again. She swallows her tears with her heart on her sleeve, puts on her fake smile, and acts like the girl everyone wants her to be.
Its funny how the people that hurt you the most are the ones who said they never would.
she sat there all that time ago and said to me people who leave were never meant to be in your life, your better than them. Then she left. And the thing is I kinda stupidly need her, because she held me together. Without her I am not me. My best friend..more like a sister. Now someone who I dont know. and that makes me sad. Sad because she doesnt care. QuizChapter One: The Basic Questions
01. What is your first name? Lauren 02. Do you have any middle names (if so, what are they?): Loren, Lol, Lollypop. Little Lol. 03. What is your last name? (Optional): Gorst 04. What is your date of birth?: December 14th 05. Where were you born?: Liverpool 06. What is your starsign?: Sagitarius Chapter Two: A Bit More About You 01. Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert?: I dont really know. I am a bit of both. 02. What are your favourite things to do in your spare time?: See my mates, spend time with family, go to town, chill. 03. Do you have any hidden passions?: Well there not hidden i dont think, but I like writing. 04. What are your guilty pleasures?: I dunno lol! 05. What are your ambitions?: To have a good career and children 06. Are you career-minded?: Yeah deffo 07. What is most important to you in life?: My family and friends 08. What are your strengths?: Writing, being me. 09. What are your weaknesses?: Chocolate and music. 010. What are your bad habits?: smoking and biting my nails 011. How would you describe your personality?: A complete nutter who is just waiting for someone to understand me :) Chapter Three: Relationships 01. Do you have many friends?: Yeah 02. Who is your bestfriend?: Pam and Kelly 03. Do you find it hard making friends with people?: some people yeah. 04. Are you shy around new people?: Yeah deffo. 05. Do you fall out with people quite easily?: Nope it takes alot to piss me off. 06. Or are you quite easygoing?: Well once u piss me off i never forget lets just say that. 07. What do you like to do with your friends?: go to town, shop, do nothing and just be random. 08. Can you tell your friends everything?: Yeah 09. Do you have a lot of friends online?: Nope except my real friends. 010. Are you outgoing/sociable?: Yeah 011. Do you prefer your own company?: Nope I like spending time with people. 012. How do you get along with your family?: I love them they are boss. 013. Who is more understanding, your mum or your dad?: Well I dont no my dad so my mum and she probably would be anyway cause she is boss. 014. Can you tell your parents anything?: Yeah 015. Do you feel that they don't understand the real you?: No I reckon she pretty much gets it, just not the way I feel at the min. 016. Do you fight with your parents often?: Yeah but it always sorts out. 017. If so, what about?: All kinds of shit. 018. Do you have any siblings?: My Hannah 019. Do you get along with them?: Yeah 020. Do you have a big family?: Nope Chapter Four: Appearances 01. How important is the way you look?: Not very. I dont see looks as the real person, I see inside. I mean of course if i see someone hot i do think "wow" but if they are knobs then they are not beautiful are they? 02. Are you very self-concious?: VERY. 03. If so, what about, particularly?: Just all kinds. 04. Are you underweight/average/overweight/obese?: Average 05. What do you think of the increasing number of obesity?: It needs to be sorted, but I think the way people call size 12 fat is a bit stupid. Thats not fat its average. size 0 is too skinny and its not attractive. woman were meant to have curves. 06. What do you think of anorexia?: Its sad for the people who go through it. People need to be conmfortable in their own skin. 07. Have you ever had an eating disorder or known someone who has?: I've known people. 08. Are you happy with your body?: Yeah its ok. 09. How would you describe your body shape?: Just curvy. 010. What about your ideal body shape?: Curves are beautiful it defines who you are. Just be happy with yourself right? 011. Do you think there is too much pressure on teenage girls to be skinny nowadays?: Yeah deffo. Clothes have got smaller sizes and people are under so much pressure to be "perfect" 012. Does it make you sad?: Pissed off. 013. What do you think of skinny celebrities like Nicole Richie, Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan etc? Do you think they are bad role models?: They make mistakes and we get to see it everyday. but they need to realise that they are affecting other people too. They are famous so they cant just think of themselves. i know that sounds bad, but its true. 014. What do you think of girls under the age of twelve dressing sluttier nowadays?: I hate it. Inocence has gone. 015. Have you ever dieted?: nope 016. If so, were you successful?: -- 017. Has anyone ever told you you were overweight?: Yeah. 018. How tall are you?: 5 ft 8 019. Are you comfortable with your height?: Yeah its ok 020. Has anyone ever told you that you could model?: Nope lol! 021. Do you think you are pretty?: I dont think I am pretty, but I am not ugly either. In between I guess. 022. Do people often tell you so?: Yeah. Only to make me feel better tho 023. What colour are your eyes?: Brown 024. What colour is your natural hair?: Brown 025. What colour is it currently?: Auburn 026. If you dye it, how often do you do so, and do you use any particular brand?: Every month nearly and just anything I like. 027. What colour is your skin?: White. 028. Do you tan easily or are you pale?: I tan easily, but there is no sun. 029. How do you style your hair usually?: up in a pony or with a hairband in. 030. How would you describe your dress sense?: Ok 031. Do you actually follow fashion?: Nope 032. Where are your favourite places to buy clothes?: New Look, Internatonal 033. Are you a shopaholic?? No I hate shopping 034. Do you generally take a lot of pride in your appearance?: Nope Chapter Five: Hygiene 01. Do you prefer to take baths or showers?: Baths 02. Do you shower/bathe everyday?: Yeah 03. Do you wash your hair everyday?: Yeah 04. Do you ever fight with siblings to use the bathroom?: Nope 05. Do you apply your make up in the bathroom?: Nope. My room. 06. Do you always remove your make up before bed?: Nah 07. Do you always wash your hands after using the toilet?: Yeah 08. Do you hate public toilets?: Yeah they are nasty like. 09. Do you clean the bathroom after you have used it?: Nope 010. How many times a day do you clean your teeth?: Twice 011. Do you worry about having bad breath?: Nope dont think about it. 012. Has anyone ever told you that you have?: Nope 013. Do you use mouthwash?: Nope 014. Dental floss?: Nope 015. When you sneeze, do you cover your face?: Yeah 016. When you cough do you cover your mouth?: Yeah 017. Pads or tampons?: Pads 018. Do you always change your underwear everyday?: Yeah of course 019. Do you wear deodorant everyday?: Yeah 020. How often do you thoroughly clean your bedroom?: Once a month lol! 021. How often do you wash your clothes?: Every day. Chapter Six: Sexuality 01. How old were you when you first started to think about sex?: Erm...I dunno tbh. 02. Are you straight, bisexual, or gay?: Straight 03. How old were you when you first started to notice the opposite/same sex?: Erm I think about 11 04. Have you ever seriously pondered about your sexuality?: nope I always knew i was straight. 05. Have you ever had a same sex experience?: Nope 06. How old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend?: 13? I think 07. What about your first kiss?: Properly I was 15. 08. Did you have big expectations about what your first kiss would be like?: Yeah but it was so much shitter. lol! 09. So, what was it like?: It was the wrong person and the wrong time. 010. When did you start to think about sex?: I'm pretty sure I was already asked this. 011. Have you already lost your virginity?: Nosey :) 012. Did you find that there was a lot of pressure on you from your peers to lose it?: Nope not really 013. Have you ever been in love?: No. 014. Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope 015. What would be your ideal date? Doing nothing. I can honestly say it wouldnt cost any money it would just be walking or driving to somewere and sitting and talking. 016. Describe your ideal boyfriend/girlfriend: Someone who understands me. justs wants to be with me, not change me. 017. Do you still have celebrity crushes?: i like people but not fantasise. lol! 018. Do you believe in sex before marriage?: Do it if you want like. Chapter Seven: Teen Issues 01. Were/are you ever bullied in school?: Yeah 02. Or did you bully anyone?: Nope 03. What was/is your status in school ?i.e, popular, geek etc?: I dont know. I was me. No-one will ever be able to say I wasnt. 04. Did/do you enjoy school life?: Yeah most. 05. What do you think of those stereotypical high school cliques?: they are bad. But every school has them. So I suppose its true. 06. Did/do you belong to one?: Nope 07. Would you say you are rebellious?: I got that way 08. Do you lie to your parents a lot?: Nope 09. Ever snuck out?: Yeah 010. How old were you when you first drank alcohol?: 13 011. Do you drink on a regular basis?: Not anymore 012. Do you smoke?: Yeah 013. Have you ever tried smoking?: ^^ 014. What do you think of the decision to ban smoking in public places?: Its a good idea, but bad organising. 015. Do you have a myspace?: Yess. 016. Facebook?: Yeah 017. Have you ever been clinically depressed?: I feel that way at the min. i am getting into a rut. 018. Have you ever self harmed?: Nope 019. Have you ever done drugs?: Weed. 020. What do you think about teenage pregnancies?: I think that its ok if they know what they are doing. I mean its a big responsibilty! 021. What do you think of underage sex?: Do as you wish. |
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